If laughter truly is the best remedy, then this collection is a whole pharmacy! It’s filled to the brim with funny quotes about work, life, aging, and so much more that are guaranteed to make you smile — or at least crack a grin. These hilarious sayings and witty one-liners are the perfect mood booster after a tough day or an ideal cure for boredom. They might even be just what you need to beat the Sunday blues!
Once you’ve enjoyed these clever quotes from comedy greats, feel free to share them with friends and family to spread the laughter. Don’t worry, they’re all family-friendly, so even the kids can enjoy some of these funny jokes. In fact, you’ll find some kid-approved humor here too! Among this diverse collection are memorable lines from hit sitcoms like The Office and New Girl, alongside quotes from iconic comedians and actors such as Will Ferrell, Joan Rivers, and Zach Galifianakis.
And don’t stop the giggles here! We’ve got even more for you — check out our collections of funny puns, corny jokes, knock-knock jokes, and even anti-jokes (yes, they exist!). But fair warning: you might end up laughing until you cry.
Humor helps us see that we all go through similar experiences, whether it’s clever wordplay, funny observations, or classic witty remarks. These amusing quotes about work, love, friendships, and family will have you nodding along, thinking, “That’s so true!” because they capture everyday moments we can all relate to. Some will even bring to mind iconic, meme-worthy scenes from your favorite movies and TV shows.
Take a moment to lighten your mood and enjoy these 100 funny quotes pulled from stand-up routines, books, plays, celebrities’ social media, interviews, movies, and TV shows. They’re guaranteed to give you a smile.
Add a little more laughter to your life with these humorous quotes.
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Funny Jokes Quotes
😂 “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already!” 🥃
🍕 “Exercise? I thought you said extra fries!” 🍟
😆 “Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts!” 💀
🍰 “I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.” 😋
😜 “My bed is a magical place. I suddenly remember everything I had to do!” 🛏️
🐠 “I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.” 😲
😂 “Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out!” 💔
🐴 “Why the long face? Asked the horse to the camel.” 🐪
🍫 “Chocolate doesn’t ask silly questions. Chocolate understands.” 😌
🐱 “I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.” 🛋️
🐧 “I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!” 📚
🧀 “What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!” 😂
🦸♂️ “I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right.” 😎
🚀 “I’m on another level. Too bad it’s the basement.” 😅
👻 “I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” 🙃
🍉 “I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning!” 😴
🚗 “My driving scares me too sometimes!” 😱
💸 “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.” 😆
🦒 “I’m not short. I’m just concentrated awesome!” 💪
🍔 “I’ve finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones. That’s why it’s called a ‘cell’ phone!” 📱
🐶 “I don’t have a bad attitude, I just have a good appetite!” 🍔
👽 “I don’t need a hairdryer. My laptop heats up enough to dry my hair!” 💻
🌧️ “Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.” ☀️
🎩 “I told my computer I needed a break. Now it won’t stop sending vacation ads!” 🖥️
🦄 “I’m not weird, I’m limited edition!” 💖
🍺 “I drink coffee for your protection.” 😜
🍩 “I followed my heart, and it led me to the fridge!” 😋
🚶♂️ “I run like the winded!” 🏃♀️
🎮 “I’m not addicted to my phone. We’re just in a committed relationship.” 📱
🤓 “I don’t trip, I do random gravity checks!” 😆
🍦 “Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!” 🧪
🐾 “I wonder if clouds look down on us and think: ‘That one is shaped like an idiot.'” 😏
🍋 “When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye!” 😜
📚 “Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!” 🌾
🐢 “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments!” 🚗
🎤 “Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.” 😂
🍵 “I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, I just wanted a paycheck.” 💸
🐝 “Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have tiny ant-bodies!” 🤧
🍕 “I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.” 🥚🐔
🎸 “Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired!” 🚴♂️
🍿 “I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised!” 😲
🥔 “I’m on a roll… a cinnamon roll.” 🍥
🍋 “I can’t clean my room because I get distracted by all the cool stuff I find!” 😂
🐝 “Bee yourself. Everyone else is already taken.” 😎
🥳 “I didn’t fall! I just randomly attacked the floor!” 🤣
🐙 “What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved!” 🌊
🐶 “Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.” 🐱
🍭 “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” 🌚
🕵️♂️ “I would lose weight, but I hate losing.” 🍰
🐠 “Fishing is like dating – it’s all catch and release until you find a keeper!” 🐟
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Funny Bathroom Signs Quotes
🚻 “If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat!” 🚻
🚽 “Don’t rush, brush & flush!” 🚽
🚾 “This is where your throne awaits you!” 🚾
🚿 “Wash your hands and say your prayers, because germs are everywhere!” 🚿
🧻 “Please remain seated for the entire performance.” 🧻
🚽 “Caution: Toilet paper shortage—please use sparingly!” 🚽
🚻 “Men to the left because women are always right!” 🚻
🛁 “Relax, refresh, renew—just don’t forget to flush!” 🛁
🚾 “Changing the toilet paper does not cause brain damage!” 🚾
🚽 “No job is finished until the paperwork is done!” 🚽
🧼 “You’re never too busy to wash your hands!” 🧼
🚻 “Don’t be gross, wash your hands!” 🚻
🧻 “Toilet out of order? Use the floor below.” 🧻
🛁 “Clean hands, dirty mind—life balance!” 🛁
🚽 “To pee or not to pee? That is the question.” 🚽
🚾 “Welcome to the loo-iverse!” 🚾
🚿 “You don’t have to be a superhero to wash your hands!” 🚿
🚻 “Aim straight and keep the seat down.” 🚻
🧻 “Smile, you’re on bathroom camera!” 🧻
🛁 “Be nice or leave—flush first!” 🛁
🚽 “Guests: Make yourself at home; family: don’t forget to clean up!” 🚽
🚻 “Changing toilet rolls will not cause arthritis!” 🚻
🚾 “Take a seat and relax… this is a judgment-free zone.” 🚾
🧼 “Soap is to the body what laughter is to the soul.” 🧼
🚿 “We aim to please. You aim too, please!” 🚿
🚽 “The best seat in the house!” 🚽
🚻 “Please close the lid before the cat decides it’s a pool!” 🚻
🛁 “Spray as you go; nobody needs to know!” 🛁
🚾 “This is not a library, but feel free to take a seat!” 🚾
🚽 “Push hard—there might be magic!” 🚽
🧻 “Don’t be a meanie, wipe the seatie!” 🧻
🛁 “Take a minute, clean up in it!” 🛁
🚿 “Flush like nobody’s watching!” 🚿
🚽 “Please remain seated for the duration of the flush!” 🚽
🚻 “Go with the flow, but aim for the bowl!” 🚻
🚾 “Save water—shower with a friend!” 🚾
🚽 “Toilet goals: Leave it better than you found it!” 🚽
🧼 “Washing hands is a tiny price to pay for good karma!” 🧼
🚻 “Be a superhero—wash your hands and save the day!” 🚻
🚿 “If your aim is off, wipe it off!” 🚿
🛁 “Scrub-a-dub-dub, no grime in this tub!” 🛁
🧻 “Warning: Time spent in here is deducted from your life!” 🧻
🚽 “Not the place for your life story—flush and move on!” 🚽
🚾 “Pee responsibly, wipe thoroughly!” 🚾
🚻 “The force is strong in this one… flush wisely!” 🚻
🛁 “So fresh and so clean—now go wash your hands!” 🛁
🚿 “Towel thief! Wash and return the towels!” 🚿
🚽 “When in doubt, flush it out!” 🚽
🚻 “Get in, get out, but always flush!” 🚻
🧻 “Your future is in your hands—now go wash them!” 🧻
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Funny Posters Quotes
😂👉 “Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth!” 👈😂
😜👉 “I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.” 👈😜
🤣👉 “Exercise? I thought you said extra fries!” 👈🍟
🙃👉 “I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.” 👈🍤
😆👉 “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” 👈😆
🤪👉 “Why be moody when you can shake your booty?” 👈🍑
😂👉 “Diet tip: Your pants won’t get too tight if you don’t wear any.” 👈👖
😅👉 “I’m not procrastinating, I’m prioritizing differently!” 👈🗓️
🤣👉 “I need a six-month vacation, twice a year.” 👈🌴
😎👉 “Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.” 👈🍍
😜👉 “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.” 👈🧴
😆👉 “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” 👈🥃
🤣👉 “My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.” 👈🛏️
😂👉 “You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a taco.” 👈🌮
😅👉 “Warning: I have no filter.” 👈🚨
🤪👉 “Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.” 👈🧠
😂👉 “If I were a vegetable, I’d be a couch potato.” 👈🥔
😜👉 “If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.” 👈🪂
😆👉 “Sometimes I laugh so hard, tears run down my leg.” 👈💧
🤣👉 “I’m not bossy, I just have better ideas.” 👈💡
😂👉 “If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘chocolate’ and I’ll turn around.” 👈🍫
😅👉 “I’m multitasking: I can listen, ignore, and forget all at once.” 👈🧏♂️
🤪👉 “Adulting is soup, and I’m a fork.” 👈🥄
😆👉 “Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they’ll start using it.” 👈🧠
😜👉 “I’m not clumsy, I’m just on a gravity-friendly diet.” 👈🍩
😂👉 “In my defense, I was left unsupervised.” 👈👀
🤣👉 “Dear sleep, I’m sorry we broke up this morning. I want you back!” 👈😴
😎👉 “I’m not short, I’m fun-sized.” 👈🍬
😜👉 “Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.” 👈✨
😂👉 “Sarcasm is my superpower.” 👈🦸♂️
🤣👉 “I’m not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” 👈😏
😆👉 “I’m silently correcting your grammar.” 👈📝
😜👉 “I’m on a 24-hour champagne diet.” 👈🍾
😂👉 “Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?” 👈🙄
😅👉 “Stressed spelled backwards is desserts. Coincidence? I think not.” 👈🍰
😜👉 “Life is too short to be serious all the time. So, if you can’t laugh at yourself, call me—I’ll do it for you.” 👈😂
🤣👉 “Chocolate doesn’t ask questions. Chocolate understands.” 👈🍫
😎👉 “Coffee: Because adulting is hard.” 👈☕
😂👉 “I can’t keep calm, I’m always crazy!” 👈🙃
😆👉 “If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cute-cumber.” 👈🥒
😅👉 “I followed my heart, and it led me to the fridge.” 👈🥪
🤪👉 “I’m sorry for what I said when I was hungry.” 👈🍕
😂👉 “I’m not always sarcastic. Sometimes I’m sleeping.” 👈🛌
😎👉 “Keep calm and pretend it’s on the lesson plan.” 👈📚
😜👉 “Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?” 👈😴
🤣👉 “I don’t need Google. My wife knows everything.” 👈💍
😅👉 “I just rescued some wine. It was trapped in a bottle!” 👈🍷
😂👉 “Don’t give up on your dreams—keep sleeping.” 👈🛏️
😜👉 “I thought I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.” 👈🤷♀️
🤪👉 “Dear math, I’m not a therapist. Solve your own problems!” 👈➗
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Funny Quotes
😂 “I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.” 🍽️
🤣 “I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.” 🛋️
🐢 “Slow and steady wins the race… unless there’s WiFi involved.” 📶
🛑 “Don’t give up on your dreams! Keep sleeping.” 😴
🧠 “My brain has too many tabs open.” 💻
⏰ “I followed my heart, and it led me to the fridge.” 🥪
🍫 “Chocolate is cheaper than therapy and you don’t need an appointment.” 🍬
🏃♀️ “Running late is my cardio.” 🕒
🌵 “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” 💁♂️
🐥 “If we’re not supposed to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?” 🍕
🛏️ “I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new style every morning.” 😂
💼 “I’m not great at advice, but can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” 😏
🐌 “Exercise? I thought you said extra fries!” 🍟
🎂 “Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you.” 🎉
🦄 “Why fit in when you were born to stand out?” 🌟
🧘♂️ “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” 🥃
🕺 “I dance like no one’s watching. Because they’re not. They’re checking their phones.” 📱
🍕 “You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.” 😋
😎 “I don’t trip, I do random gravity checks.” 🤸
🥶 “Cold weather is nature’s way of telling you to eat more.” 🍲
🧩 “Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.” 😁
🧠 “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.” 😷
🚶 “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” 🥃
😜 “Some people just need a high five… in the face… with a chair.” 💺
🍇 “Wine is always a good idea.” 🍷
🍺 “Beer: Because adulting is hard.” 🤯
🍳 “Breakfast: The only time of day when eating dessert first is considered acceptable.” 🥞
🚴♂️ “I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do, it’s because I missed my exit.” 🛣️
🛠️ “I’m not lazy. I’m just very relaxed.” 😌
🎯 “I’m multitasking: I can listen, ignore, and forget all at the same time.” 😂
🤓 “I love long walks… especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.” 🚶♀️
😏 “Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.” 🌞
🧛 “Being an adult is like folding a fitted sheet. No one really knows how.” 😆
😵 “I have CDO. It’s like OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order… as they should be.” 🗂️
🥴 “Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.” 💄
🌍 “Earth without ‘art’ is just ‘eh’.” 🎨
🐦 “If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.” 🪂
👻 “I put the ‘Pro’ in procrastinate.” 😅
🕰️ “I’m not late. I’m just early for tomorrow.” 😂
🚨 “I don’t need a mood ring. I have a face.” 😐
🦖 “I’m not clumsy. It’s just the floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.” 😄
🧀 “You’re the ‘cheese’ to my ‘mac’.” 🍝
🎤 “Sarcasm is my superpower.” 🦸♀️
🛌 “Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.” 🥓
🐱 “My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.” 😹
🚗 “Life is too short to be serious all the time. So if you can’t laugh at yourself, call me. I’ll laugh at you.” 😂
🐠 “I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me Kit-Kat ads.” 🍫
😈 “I’m on my second guardian angel. The first one quit and is now in therapy.” 😇
🎨 “I could agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.” 🤷♂️
🥤 “I prefer my puns intended.” 😄
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Funny Short Stories Quotes
😂 “I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised!” 😂
🤣 “Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts!” 🤣
😆 “I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!” 😆
😜 “Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet!” 😜
😁 “I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now!” 😁
🤪 “I would tell you a joke about pizza, but it’s a little cheesy!” 🤪
🤣 “Did you hear about the kidnapping at the playground? They woke up!” 🤣
😅 “I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know Y!” 😅
😂 “I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia. She whispered, ‘They’re right behind you!'” 😂
🤔 “What did one wall say to the other wall? ‘I’ll meet you at the corner!'” 🤔
😆 “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already!” 😆
🤪 “I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me!” 🤪
😜 “I told my computer I needed a break. Now it won’t stop sending me KitKat ads!” 😜
😁 “Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Because they’re shellfish!” 😁
😂 “What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta!” 😂
🤣 “I’m terrible at math, but I hear calculus is just a big ‘problem’!” 🤣
😆 “I got hit in the head with a can of soda. Good thing it was a soft drink!” 😆
🤪 “The man who invented knock-knock jokes should get a ‘no-bell’ prize!” 🤪
😅 “My dog is an awesome listener! He listens to me snore all night!” 😅
😂 “What did one hat say to the other? ‘You stay here, I’ll go on ahead!'” 😂
😜 “I told my wife she was like a dictionary. She gave meaning to my life!” 😜
🤣 “Why don’t sharks eat clowns? They taste funny!” 🤣
😆 “I put my root beer in a square cup. Now it’s just beer!” 😆
😁 “I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure!” 😁
😂 “Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work!” 😂
🤪 “I invented a new word: ‘Plagiarism!’” 🤪
😅 “I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands!” 😅
😆 “What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!” 😆
😜 “Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!” 😜
😂 “I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a big hug!” 😂
🤣 “Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!” 🤣
😆 “I told a joke about time travel, but you didn’t get it yet!” 😆
😜 “Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed a little space!” 😜
😁 “I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough!” 😁
😂 “What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!” 😂
🤪 “Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!” 🤪
😅 “I tried to catch fog yesterday. I mist!” 😅
🤣 “I once ate a clock. It was very time-consuming!” 🤣
😆 “Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with!” 😆
😂 “I went to buy camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any!” 😂
😜 “I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure!” 😜
😁 “Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out!” 😁
🤣 “What did the grape do when he got stepped on? Nothing but let out a little wine!” 🤣
😆 “I told my wife she was like a broken pencil. She asked, ‘How?’ I said, ‘Pointless!'” 😆
😂 “I didn’t trust the stairs because they were always up to something!” 😂
😜 “What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time!” 😜
🤪 “Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon? Because she’ll let it go!” 🤪
😅 “I wrote a song about a tortilla, but it’s more of a wrap!” 😅
🤣 “Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!” 🤣
😆 “I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I’ve never looked back since!” 😆
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Funny Books For Adults Quotes
😂📚 “I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship. Also, storms make great stories!” 📚😂
🤣📖 “I could agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.” 📖🤣
😆📚 “I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” 📚😆
😂📖 “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” 📖😂
🤣📚 “I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.” 📚🤣
😄📖 “Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.” 📖😄
😂📚 “A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory.” 📚😂
🤣📖 “I told you I’ll be ready in five minutes. Stop calling me every half hour.” 📖🤣
😆📚 “I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” 📚😆
😂📖 “If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your wife told you.” 📖😂
🤣📚 “I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.” 📚🤣
😄📖 “Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.” 📖😄
😂📚 “I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right.” 📚😂
🤣📖 “Dear life, when I asked if my day could get worse, it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.” 📖🤣
😆📚 “The trouble with quotes on the Internet is that you can never know if they are genuine.” 📚😆
😂📖 “Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.” 📖😂
🤣📚 “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” 📚🤣
😄📖 “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” 📖😄
😂📚 “I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” 📚😂
🤣📖 “Always borrow money from a pessimist. They won’t expect it back.” 📖🤣
😆📚 “I came. I saw. I forgot what I was doing.” 📚😆
😂📖 “The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” 📖😂
🤣📚 “I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.” 📚🤣
😄📖 “I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.” 📖😄
😂📚 “I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful.” 📚😂
🤣📖 “If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.” 📖🤣
😆📚 “Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.” 📚😆
😂📖 “The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” 📖😂
🤣📚 “Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.” 📚🤣
😄📖 “I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying.” 📖😄
😂📚 “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” 📚😂
🤣📖 “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” 📖🤣
😆📚 “It’s never too late to be what you want to be, unless you want to be younger. Then you’re screwed.” 📚😆
😂📖 “It’s bad luck to be superstitious.” 📖😂
🤣📚 “If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.” 📚🤣
😄📖 “Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you.” 📖😄
😂📚 “You know you’re getting old when ‘happy hour’ means nap time.” 📚😂
🤣📖 “My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch.” 📖🤣
😆📚 “I’m on a roll today. Everything is butter.” 📚😆
😂📖 “I used to jog, but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.” 📖😂
🤣📚 “I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.” 📚🤣
😄📖 “I’m multitasking: I can listen, ignore, and forget all at the same time.” 📖😄
😂📚 “Marriage is like a deck of cards. All you need at first is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a
spade.” 📚😂
🤣📖 “I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.” 📖🤣
😆📚 “You can’t make everyone happy. You are not a taco.” 📚😆
😂📖 “If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘chocolate’ and I’ll turn around.” 📖😂
🤣📚 “My alone time is for everyone’s safety.” 📚🤣
😄📖 “I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.” 📖😄
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Funny Toilet Signs Quotes
🚽 “Time to drop the kids off at the pool!” 😂
🤔 “What happens in the bathroom, stays in the bathroom!” 🚪
🚻 “Gentlemen to the left because ladies are always right!” 😄
🧻 “This way to the throne room!” 👑
🛑 “Don’t forget to wipe!” 😂
👀 “If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat!” 🚽
🤷♂️ “You never know what you’ve got until it’s gone… like toilet paper!” 🧻
🚽 “Toilet occupied: Come back later with a sense of humor!” 😂
😅 “If you can’t aim, sit down!” 🚹
🚻 “Men to the left because women are always right!” 😆
🚪 “To pee or not to pee? That is the question!” 🤔
😂 “The loo is always open for business!” 🚽
🧻 “Flush twice, it’s a long way to the kitchen!” 😜
🚻 “Keep calm and carry on… but please wash your hands!” 🧼
🤷♀️ “Welcome to the splash zone!” 🚿
🚽 “Have a seat, make yourself comfortable!” 😄
🧻 “Gone to the restroom, be back in a flash!” 🚪
😎 “Restrooms: Where great ideas happen!” 💡
🚻 “Caution: Contents may be under pressure!” 💨
😂 “Short visit? Long story!” 🚽
🧼 “Wash those hands, you filthy animal!” 😂
🚻 “Toilet humor never gets old!” 😂
🚪 “Push to enter, pray to exit!” 🙏
🤔 “Please remain seated for the entire performance!” 🎭
😂 “You’re in the splash zone now!” 🚽
🧻 “Toilet paper: because sometimes life gets messy!” 😅
🚽 “Don’t be a party pooper, use the toilet!” 🎉
🚻 “Restrooms: Where smart thoughts come to mind!” 🤓
😆 “Out of toilet paper? Use your imagination!” 🤯
🚽 “Welcome to the land of relaxation and relief!” 😌
🧻 “The throne awaits you, your majesty!” 👑
😅 “It’s a wild ride—hold on tight!” 🎢
😂 “Your seat is ready, proceed with caution!” 🚽
🧼 “No job too small, just wash your hands!” 😄
🚻 “Ready, set, flush!” 🏁
😜 “Enter if you dare… but you better care!” 🚽
🚻 “This way to relief station!” 🚂
🧻 “Toilet paper: Always there for you!” 💙
😆 “Caution: Deep thoughts happening inside!” 💭
🚽 “For a good time, flush twice!” 😂
🧼 “Exit only when fully relieved!” 🏁
🤔 “Get in, do your business, get out!” 🚽
🚻 “Free refills on hand sanitizer!” 🧴
😂 “Our aim is to keep this bathroom clean! Your aim will help!” 🎯
🚽 “The restroom: where thoughts flow freely!” 🌊
🧼 “Flush your troubles away!” 😅
😜 “This is a no phone zone!” 📵
🚻 “In case of emergency, flush hard!” 🚨
🚽 “Restroom: Because everyone needs a break!” 😆
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Funny Art Quotes
🎨 “I dream of painting and then I take a nap.” 😴
🖌️ “I’m not messy, I’m creatively organized!” 🎨
😂 “I could give up art, but I’m not a quitter.” 🎨
🎨 “Art is just an excuse for not doing your laundry.” 👕
🎨 “I paint because punching people is frowned upon.” 😂
🖌️ “I put the ‘pro’ in procrastinate—especially when it comes to art!” 🎨
😂 “Art is my therapy… and my excuse for buying more supplies!” 🛒
🎨 “I may not know art, but I know what makes a mess.” 🖌️
🖌️ “Too much art supplies? Never heard of it!” 🎨
🎨 “My art isn’t weird, it’s just a limited edition!” 😆
🖌️ “Art is 1% inspiration, 99% trying to find your paintbrush.” 😂
🎨 “I make art—what’s your superpower?” 🦸
🎨 “Painting: where every brushstroke is a step closer to chaos.” 🖌️
😂 “When life gives you lemons, paint them!” 🎨
🎨 “I’m an artist. That means I’m always right… or at least abstractly!” 😜
🖌️ “Art is like pizza—everyone’s got their own style!” 🍕
😂 “I’d rather be painting than adulting.” 🎨
🎨 “Accidental art is still art, right?” 🤔
🖌️ “Art without a mess is like coffee without caffeine—pointless!” ☕
🎨 “Why fit in when you can make art and stand out?” 💥
😂 “I’m not making mistakes, I’m creating ‘happy little accidents’!” 🎨
🖌️ “The art of procrastination: I’ll paint it later!” 😂
🎨 “My house is an art gallery of unfinished projects.” 🖌️
🎨 “Art is cheaper than therapy, but not by much.” 💸
🖌️ “If you can’t make it good, make it colorful!” 🌈
🎨 “I paint because punching walls is socially unacceptable.” 😂
🎨 “Art is the only way to run away without leaving home.” 🏠
😂 “I don’t make art for the money; I make it for the mess!” 🎨
🖌️ “Warning: artist at work. Expect chaos.” 🎨
🎨 “Art: the perfect way to look busy while actually daydreaming!” 💭
😂 “Every great artist was first an amateur… and probably very broke.” 💸
🎨 “My art isn’t weird, it’s limited edition.” 😂
🖌️ “Art is a dirty job, but someone’s gotta do it!” 😆
🎨 “I’m not a perfectionist, I’m an artist.” 🎨
🎨 “Who needs rules when you have paint?” 🖌️
😂 “Art: turning oops into masterpiece since forever.” 🎨
🎨 “I’m not indecisive, I’m just practicing creative flexibility.” 😂
🖌️ “Art supplies: because therapy is expensive!” 💸
🎨 “I’m not messy, I’m just an abstract artist!” 😆
🎨 “If I were organized, I’d never get any art done!” 😂
🖌️ “Art speaks where words are unable to explain… mostly because I’m too busy painting!” 🎨
🎨 “Art is 10% inspiration and 90% figuring out what went wrong.” 😂
🖌️ “If art were easy, it would be called ‘easy’ not ‘art’!” 🎨
🎨 “I art because adulting is overrated.” 😂
🖌️ “My art is not a mess, it’s ‘abstract expressionism’.” 😜
🎨 “I don’t make mistakes, I create limited editions!” 😂
🖌️ “I create, therefore I procrastinate.” 🎨
🎨 “Creating art is like starting a relationship: exciting, messy, and unpredictable!” 😂
🖌️ “I paint because therapy is expensive and art supplies are tax-deductible!” 🎨
🎨 “Every child is an artist. The problem is staying an artist when you grow up.” 😆
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Funny Greetings Quotes
😄 “I’m not great at math, but I know that you and I are a perfect equation.” 😄
🤣 “I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me Kit-Kats!” 🤣
😜 “You’re like a software update: I never really want you, but I need you.” 😜
😆 “If we were on a sinking ship, I’d share my door with you.” 😆
😂 “I’m on a seafood diet: I see food and I eat it. Greetings!” 😂
😎 “Is your name Google? Because you’ve got everything I’ve been searching for.” 😎
😋 “Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth!” 😋
😝 “If we were at a restaurant, I’d order you with extra hugs.” 😝
🤪 “I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right!” 🤪
😏 “You must be made of copper and tellurium because you’re Cu-Te.” 😏
🤗 “I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.” 🤗
😂 “I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.” 😂
😜 “Do you have a map? Because I keep getting lost in your jokes!” 😜
😆 “I’m not a morning person, but I’ll make an exception for you!” 😆
🤣 “I’m on a whiskey diet: I’ve lost three days already!” 🤣
😎 “I’m not sure how to say this, but you make my heart race and my Wi-Fi slow down.” 😎
😋 “I’m writing a book on the best ways to greet people. I’ll make sure to include you!” 😋
😂 “Do you believe in aliens? Because your smile is out of this world!” 😂
🤪 “My boss told me to have a good day, so I stayed home.” 🤪
😝 “I’d tell you a chemistry joke, but I’m afraid you wouldn’t get a reaction.” 😝
😏 “I’ve got a joke for you, but you might have heard it before. Just like me.” 😏
😜 “If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cute-cumber!” 😜
🤗 “I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug!” 🤗
😆 “You’re the peanut butter to my jelly—sweet and a little nutty!” 😆
🤣 “My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch.” 🤣
😋 “Are you a magician? Because whenever I look at you, everyone else disappears!” 😋
😎 “I’m not a photographer, but I can definitely picture us together.” 😎
😂 “Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!” 😂
😜 “I could be a morning person if morning happened around noon.” 😜
😆 “I’m not a food critic, but I’m definitely here for the snacks and your company!” 😆
🤪 “Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!” 🤪
😝 “You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day!” 😝
😏 “I’d love to stay and chat, but I’d rather just go get a pizza.” 😏
😂 “Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts!” 😂
😋 “You must be a magician, because whenever I look at you, everyone else disappears!” 😋
😎 “If we were both squirrels, would you help me store acorns for winter?” 😎
😆 “I’m on a diet, but I’m still going to eat your jokes up!” 😆
🤣 “Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired!” 🤣
😜 “I’d tell you a joke about an elevator, but it’s an uplifting experience.” 😜
😏 “If you were a fruit, you’d be a fineapple.” 😏
😋 “I don’t trust stairs because they’re always up to something.” 😋
😂 “Do you have a sunburn, or are you always this hot?” 😂
😎 “If we were both vegetables, I’d definitely be the one to catch your eye.” 😎
😆 “I’m not a comedian, but I’ll always make sure to bring a smile to your face.” 😆
🤪 “Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out!” 🤪
😝 “I’d offer you some candy, but I’m afraid it might be too sweet for you.” 😝
😏 “I wanted to make a joke about time travel, but you didn’t like it.” 😏
😋 “Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got ‘FINE’ written all over you!” 😋
😂 “I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!” 😂
😜 “If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cute-cumber!” 😜
Funny Dad Jokes For Adults Quotes
😂 “I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised!” 😲
🤣 “Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts!” 💀
😆 “I would avoid the sushi if I were you. It’s a little fishy.” 🍣
😜 “Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!” ⚛️
😹 “How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together!” 🐧
😆 “Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!” 🌾
😂 “I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.” 🎹
😜 “Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one!” ⛳
🤣 “I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!” 📚
😹 “Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems!” 📖
😆 “How does a snowman get around? By riding an ‘icicle’!” ☃️
😂 “I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me Kit-Kats!” 💻
😜 “Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!” 🍅
😆 “What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta!” 🍝
😂 “I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered, ‘They’re right behind you.’” 📚
🤣 “Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired!” 🚲
😹 “What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!” 🧀
😆 “I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!” 🍤
😂 “Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out!” 🏋️
😜 “What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite!” 🧛♂️
😆 “How does a farmer count his cows? With a cowculator!” 🐄
😂 “What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!” 🐊
🤣 “I’m afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered!” 📅
😹 “Why don’t programmers like nature? It has too many bugs!” 🐛
😆 “What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh!” 🎣
😂 “Why was the math teacher suspicious? She had too many ‘x’s.” ➗
🤣 “How do you organize a space party? You planet!” 🪐
😹 “What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!” 🐻
😆 “Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged!” ☕
😂 “Why don’t skeletons use cell phones? They don’t have the guts!” 📞
🤣 “What did one wall say to the other wall? ‘I’ll meet you at the corner!’” 🏠
😹 “Why did the computer go to the doctor? It had a virus!” 🖥️
😆 “What did the grape do when it got stepped on? Nothing but let out a little wine!” 🍇
😂 “Why did the football team go to the bank? To get their quarterback!” 🏈
🤣 “What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato!” 🦘
😹 “Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!” 🌳
😆 “How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut!” 🌰
😂 “Why did the cookie cry? Because his mom was a wafer!” 🍪
🤣 “What do you call an alligator detective? An investi-gator!” 🕵️♂️
😹 “How does a lion greet the other animals? ‘Pleased to eat you!’” 🦁
😆 “Why did the chicken go to the séance? To talk to the other side!” 🐔
😂 “What did one hat say to the other? ‘Stay here, I’m going on ahead!’” 🎩
🤣 “Why did the scarecrow become a successful neurosurgeon? He was outstanding in his field!” 🌽
😹 “What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? ‘Supplies!’” 🧹
😆 “Why don’t scientists trust stairs? They’re always up to something!” 🧬
😂 “What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain!” 🐱
🤣 “How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it!” ⛪
😹 “Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired!” 🚴
😆 “What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!” 🐂
😂 “How does a vampire start a letter? ‘Tomb it may concern!’” 🧛♀️
Must Read : – 140+ Inspiring Teamwork Quotes to Foster a Strong and Positive Team Culture
Very Short Funny Quotes About Life Quotes
😂 Life’s too short to be serious! 😜
🤔 I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right. 😎
🤣 I’m on a seafood diet: I see food and I eat it. 🍣
😆 My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. 🛏️
😝 If life gives you lemons, add vodka! 🍋🍸
🤪 I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode. 🔋
😜 I’m not weird, I’m limited edition. 🌟
😂 I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me Kit-Kats. 🍫
🤣 I’m not procrastinating, I’m prioritizing my relaxation. 🛋️
🤗 I’m not short, I’m concentrated awesome. 😎
😅 Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth! 😁
🤣 I dance because there’s no guarantee the world won’t end tomorrow. 💃
😜 My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch. 🍔
😂 I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? 😏
😆 My wallet is like an onion. Opening it makes me cry. 🧅
🤪 If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 🚗
😜 I’m not late. I’m just early for tomorrow. 🕰️
😂 I have a black belt in keeping it real. 🥋
😎 If you were looking for a sign, here it is. 😉
🤣 I’m not a morning person. I’m a coffee person. ☕
😆 I’m not clumsy. It’s just the floor hates me. 🙈
🤪 I put the “pro” in procrastination. 🕒
😂 I’m not good at math, but I know that 2+2=5 for extremely large values of 2. 🔢
😜 If you think you’re too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito. 🦟
😆 I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised. 😲
🤣 I’m a limited edition. There’s only one of me. 🎉
🤪 I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. 💸
😂 If you want to look thin, hang out with fat people. 👯
😆 I can’t adult today. Tomorrow doesn’t look good either. 😴
🤣 I don’t need a hair stylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning. 😴
😜 If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you. 🪂
😂 I’m not arguing. I’m just passionately expressing my point of view. 💬
🤪 I’m not weird, I’m a limited edition. 🌟
😆 I’m on a diet. I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it. 🍣
🤣 I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode. 🔋
😜 I’m not procrastinating. I’m doing side quests. 🎮
😂 I’m a human being. I’m not perfect. But I’m perfectly human. 💫
😆 I’m a big fan of naps. They’re like a mini vacation. 💤
🤪 I have the patience of a saint. Saint Bernard, that is. 🐕
😂 My favorite hobby is to take naps and complain about not getting enough sleep. 💤
😜 I’m just here for the snacks. 🍿
🤣 If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans. 😂
😆 My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat. 🍕
🤪 I’m not lazy. I’m just on my energy-saving mode. 🔋
😂 I’m in shape. Round is a shape, right? 😂
😜 I don’t need an inspirational quote. I need coffee. ☕
😆 I’m not a morning person. I’m a coffee person. ☕
🤣 I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right. 😎
😜 I’m not short, I’m just concentrated awesome. 💪
😂 Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth! 😁
